Knowing How to Love

My ex came home last night and we had a talk... he even wanted to take me back and try again, and i said no. Part of me thinks I'm crazy. I mean, it would be so great to go back, to try again, to not have to move out and be afraid of trying things on my own after so long, to not be afraid of not being lovable, to stay here, where i feel safe. I love him so much, but he's right...we cant be together.

Its so hard for me to admit to weakness. I was told "don't cry, i cant handle it when you cry". I feel like my emotions are dangerous, that if people see me having feelings, that they wont want to be around me, that those feelings are just too much for other people to face. So i hide them. I haven't cried to anyone about the break-up except for my ex. He's the only person i really feel safe being vulnerable around, but he cant help me through a lot of this stuff.

And part of what is so hard is that he told me what his mom has been saying about me. She has been pressuring him to break up with me for some time now apparently. She is mad because i am keeping the ring and the car Dave bought for me. I told Dave that i could pay him for the car, but it would take a while...and he said it was OK, that he would just give it to me. As for the ring...he never asked for it back, it was also my birthday present. When he told me that his mom was mad about it, i offered to give it back and he refused. (little bit o' trivia: when i got engaged, my boss at the time mentioned that if someone gives you an engagement ring on a holiday or birthday, and the engagement is broken, the woman can keep it, otherwise legally the man can ask for it back. So, legally, his mom is an idiot).

That's not the part that hurts tho....what hurt was when she told him that i didn't know how to love people. I know i have faults. I'm not perfect...but one thing i know, is that i am a very loving person. It hurts to think that she could say that about me. I just...she got what she wanted. She wanted us to break up...and that's what she got. Why does she have to say mean things about me? Why cant she just say "well, its too bad things didn't work out". Dave and i still care about each other quite a bit. We are still close friends. There is no need to be hurtful. I'm not mad at Dave, I'm just sad that we couldn't make this work.

Its funny, because i know i shouldn't care about what she says. I know that I am a loving person. Dave has said he always felt loved. People who know me tell me that my loving giving nature is a big part of what they like about me. Dave thinks that i threatened her, that i was taking her baby away and so she lashed out.

Dave and his mom have a rather unhealthy relationship. She is sick, and needs a lot of help, and Dave is always there for her, which is good, to a point. The problem is that she can be so manipulative. She isn't able to ask for what she wants, so she plays victim/martyr, and manipulates people. Its a rather f-ed up family dynamic really. Her husband is psychologically abusive (he has been violent in the past). Mom needs to go to regular medical treatments, or she could die, and dad plays games with her about whether or not he can take her, causing her to have to scramble for rides and such. She cant drive, she has chronic-fatigue and kidney failure, and so she is really dependent on him.

I don't know, its just all messed up, and Dave is in the middle of it.

*sigh* Ending this relationship is making me feel a lot of self-doubt. I feel like a failure, and my self-esteem feels like its imploding from time to time. I feel like maybe i was fooling myself to think that i was good enough to marry. I mean, it took so long for me to get to a point where i could even stand myself, let alone like myself. So many bad things happened that i had to overcome. Feelings of being dirty and damaged and unlovable. And Dave loved me anyway. And i know...deep down i know...that its not true, that what they did to me didn't make me damaged or unlovable, but i feel that way anyhow. One thing that was so comforting when Dave and i were planning on getting married was that i would never have to explain to another person about why sometimes i cry after sex, and how i cant stand the smell of polo cologne. That i would never have to tell someone that i had been raped, and waited to see if they decided it wasn't worth the effort. I'm still not at the point where i can be in a sexual relationship and not have that come up....i don't know if i ever will be. A lot of those feelings are coming back for me....and its hard.

*sigh*

i need my own personal cheerleader