I hate packing



I should be packing right now....but im at the library on the computer. I hate to pack. It has always stressed me out beyond what would be reasonable. I dont know what it is. I think part of it is that i am just not good at organizing things like that and i feel like i should be. A lot of it relates to how i couldnt handle things when my mom got sick when i was a kid and had to take care of the house, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that im just not organized and i hate not being good at something.



Then there is the concept of packing, what it means. As long as dave and i still live together, then everything is ok...ish. Packing means confronting the truth, that we arent together, that i have to do things alone. And its not that not having a romantic partner is the worst of it, i dont mind doing social things alone...its just that up until now i have had someone to face my demons with, someone who understood. When dave is gone then that leaves nobody in my life that really *knows* what i have to deal with every day. its like being a recovered alcoholic, to the outside im fine, but inside every day has its struggles. *sigh*. but then, maybe im not so special in this regard. i guess everyone has their challenges that go unseen.



*sigh*



i just dont want to move out. this was my home, dave was my family. i dont want that to dissapear