Giving it Away



When dave and i moved in together, we were engaged, and had already picked the date...so i assumed i wouldnt need my tiny twin bed we used to share when he stayed over in my matching tiny appartment in boston. SO i gave it away. Gave away all of my furniture except a small foam sofa-bed. Gave away a mattress and box spring, gave away my phone, my patio table and 2 folding chairs that made my dinette set, gave away my bookshelves and nightstand. Gave away the things that made that tiny box of a studio appartment a home....



And now, two years later, i have no home. Well, nt exactly true. I am moving in with a friend this saturday...but it isnt *home* the way living with dave was home. I have no bed, i have no dresser, i have next to no money, and i need to get a rental van to move with. I feel overwhelmed by all i have to do, and sad and perhaps a little foolish to be in this position, thinking maybe i took too great a risk and gave too much away. I feel a lot of the time like maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would actually get married. Who was i fooling? Who would want to marry me? How could something in my life actually go right?



I know it sounds pathetic and mopey and full of self-pity, but i suppose this is what a break-up is like. I dont know. I just know my self esteem crashes a lot more often now than in the recent past, although not nearly as bad as in the less recent past. Maybe its just that this was a mistake. I don't know. Part of me thinks that it is, that i gave up too much to be here, and now i am paying for it...but part of me thinks it was worth it. I grew a lot in this relationship, both because of the relationship itself, and because it provided a shelter for me that enabled me to do more than i might have on my own. I know i am better for having done what i did, and yet, with this ending, i cant help but think maybe i gave too much away, and im not just talking about Goodwill.



Last night i went out with my friend Katie from work, and another girl from work, JenS (quiet jen, as opposed to JenL, who is anything BUT quiet). At first i was feeling a tad mopey, because i wasnt feeling like being social, katie and i were originally just going to go out for dinner the two of us, but she invited some others with, although only JenS joined us. She is an absolute sweetie, and much more complex than i would have first thought. I enjoyed getting to know her better. She is so much smarter and more wonderful than she knows, and i hope maybe she can find out a little more, cause she really is just awesome. So that was cool...i didnt feel obligated to be *super-up*, and i got to expand the people i list as *real* friends, as opposed to just *work* friends.



My tummy has been on orange alert lately...just so much anxiety over all of the breaking up and the moving and work and just EVERYTHING. *sigh* three more months at it will all be better. thats what i keep telling myself. just get through the next three months and you will be ok.