Giving it Away



When dave and i moved in together, we were engaged, and had already picked the date...so i assumed i wouldnt need my tiny twin bed we used to share when he stayed over in my matching tiny appartment in boston. SO i gave it away. Gave away all of my furniture except a small foam sofa-bed. Gave away a mattress and box spring, gave away my phone, my patio table and 2 folding chairs that made my dinette set, gave away my bookshelves and nightstand. Gave away the things that made that tiny box of a studio appartment a home....



And now, two years later, i have no home. Well, nt exactly true. I am moving in with a friend this saturday...but it isnt *home* the way living with dave was home. I have no bed, i have no dresser, i have next to no money, and i need to get a rental van to move with. I feel overwhelmed by all i have to do, and sad and perhaps a little foolish to be in this position, thinking maybe i took too great a risk and gave too much away. I feel a lot of the time like maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would actually get married. Who was i fooling? Who would want to marry me? How could something in my life actually go right?



I know it sounds pathetic and mopey and full of self-pity, but i suppose this is what a break-up is like. I dont know. I just know my self esteem crashes a lot more often now than in the recent past, although not nearly as bad as in the less recent past. Maybe its just that this was a mistake. I don't know. Part of me thinks that it is, that i gave up too much to be here, and now i am paying for it...but part of me thinks it was worth it. I grew a lot in this relationship, both because of the relationship itself, and because it provided a shelter for me that enabled me to do more than i might have on my own. I know i am better for having done what i did, and yet, with this ending, i cant help but think maybe i gave too much away, and im not just talking about Goodwill.



Last night i went out with my friend Katie from work, and another girl from work, JenS (quiet jen, as opposed to JenL, who is anything BUT quiet). At first i was feeling a tad mopey, because i wasnt feeling like being social, katie and i were originally just going to go out for dinner the two of us, but she invited some others with, although only JenS joined us. She is an absolute sweetie, and much more complex than i would have first thought. I enjoyed getting to know her better. She is so much smarter and more wonderful than she knows, and i hope maybe she can find out a little more, cause she really is just awesome. So that was cool...i didnt feel obligated to be *super-up*, and i got to expand the people i list as *real* friends, as opposed to just *work* friends.



My tummy has been on orange alert lately...just so much anxiety over all of the breaking up and the moving and work and just EVERYTHING. *sigh* three more months at it will all be better. thats what i keep telling myself. just get through the next three months and you will be ok.

stuff that has been keeping me busy lately



Amazon.com (and my ever expanding wish list)



Ebay (did you know you can buy a HOUSE on ebay? Thats INSANE)



Mr Cranky Movie Reviews



Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab A very cool perfume boutique with a unique theme and original scents



Bust Magazine just the best woman's magazine out there, i especially enjoy the lounge



Salon.com, especially articles by Sarah Vowell, One of my favorite authors



Pucker Up, Tristan Taormino's website (for 18+ only)



Breakup Girl, a relationship advice website



Allposters.com, and here is the poster i want for my new apartment

Scared



The person i am considering moving in with called me, and i am going to be moving in with her soon. EEEK. This is it, its really over, i am really going to move out of this apartment and out of his life. I am just so scared. This was my home for two years...i feel so safe here. My new roomie is someone i like and all, but still, its so *unknown*. I'm afraid she wont like me. I am afraid i wont be good enough. I am afraid of screwing everything up. Im just so scared and insecure and i feel so alone.



I called my dad cause i am going to need some financial help, and he told me he had been busted for a DWI, which he was LOOOONG overdue for. Of course, this means that he needs to get a lawyer, which means the financial help he said he could give me has been reduced. Part of me feels like i deserve this. Like i am a big loser who should be able to fend for herself and sucks for needing to ask for help.



God i feel like such a loser. I cant keep by boyfriend, i cant keep up with my bills, i cant get the money together to get a new place....i suck.

I hate packing



I should be packing right now....but im at the library on the computer. I hate to pack. It has always stressed me out beyond what would be reasonable. I dont know what it is. I think part of it is that i am just not good at organizing things like that and i feel like i should be. A lot of it relates to how i couldnt handle things when my mom got sick when i was a kid and had to take care of the house, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that im just not organized and i hate not being good at something.



Then there is the concept of packing, what it means. As long as dave and i still live together, then everything is ok...ish. Packing means confronting the truth, that we arent together, that i have to do things alone. And its not that not having a romantic partner is the worst of it, i dont mind doing social things alone...its just that up until now i have had someone to face my demons with, someone who understood. When dave is gone then that leaves nobody in my life that really *knows* what i have to deal with every day. its like being a recovered alcoholic, to the outside im fine, but inside every day has its struggles. *sigh*. but then, maybe im not so special in this regard. i guess everyone has their challenges that go unseen.



*sigh*



i just dont want to move out. this was my home, dave was my family. i dont want that to dissapear

Knowing How to Love

My ex came home last night and we had a talk... he even wanted to take me back and try again, and i said no. Part of me thinks I'm crazy. I mean, it would be so great to go back, to try again, to not have to move out and be afraid of trying things on my own after so long, to not be afraid of not being lovable, to stay here, where i feel safe. I love him so much, but he's right...we cant be together.

Its so hard for me to admit to weakness. I was told "don't cry, i cant handle it when you cry". I feel like my emotions are dangerous, that if people see me having feelings, that they wont want to be around me, that those feelings are just too much for other people to face. So i hide them. I haven't cried to anyone about the break-up except for my ex. He's the only person i really feel safe being vulnerable around, but he cant help me through a lot of this stuff.

And part of what is so hard is that he told me what his mom has been saying about me. She has been pressuring him to break up with me for some time now apparently. She is mad because i am keeping the ring and the car Dave bought for me. I told Dave that i could pay him for the car, but it would take a while...and he said it was OK, that he would just give it to me. As for the ring...he never asked for it back, it was also my birthday present. When he told me that his mom was mad about it, i offered to give it back and he refused. (little bit o' trivia: when i got engaged, my boss at the time mentioned that if someone gives you an engagement ring on a holiday or birthday, and the engagement is broken, the woman can keep it, otherwise legally the man can ask for it back. So, legally, his mom is an idiot).

That's not the part that hurts tho....what hurt was when she told him that i didn't know how to love people. I know i have faults. I'm not perfect...but one thing i know, is that i am a very loving person. It hurts to think that she could say that about me. I just...she got what she wanted. She wanted us to break up...and that's what she got. Why does she have to say mean things about me? Why cant she just say "well, its too bad things didn't work out". Dave and i still care about each other quite a bit. We are still close friends. There is no need to be hurtful. I'm not mad at Dave, I'm just sad that we couldn't make this work.

Its funny, because i know i shouldn't care about what she says. I know that I am a loving person. Dave has said he always felt loved. People who know me tell me that my loving giving nature is a big part of what they like about me. Dave thinks that i threatened her, that i was taking her baby away and so she lashed out.

Dave and his mom have a rather unhealthy relationship. She is sick, and needs a lot of help, and Dave is always there for her, which is good, to a point. The problem is that she can be so manipulative. She isn't able to ask for what she wants, so she plays victim/martyr, and manipulates people. Its a rather f-ed up family dynamic really. Her husband is psychologically abusive (he has been violent in the past). Mom needs to go to regular medical treatments, or she could die, and dad plays games with her about whether or not he can take her, causing her to have to scramble for rides and such. She cant drive, she has chronic-fatigue and kidney failure, and so she is really dependent on him.

I don't know, its just all messed up, and Dave is in the middle of it.

*sigh* Ending this relationship is making me feel a lot of self-doubt. I feel like a failure, and my self-esteem feels like its imploding from time to time. I feel like maybe i was fooling myself to think that i was good enough to marry. I mean, it took so long for me to get to a point where i could even stand myself, let alone like myself. So many bad things happened that i had to overcome. Feelings of being dirty and damaged and unlovable. And Dave loved me anyway. And i know...deep down i know...that its not true, that what they did to me didn't make me damaged or unlovable, but i feel that way anyhow. One thing that was so comforting when Dave and i were planning on getting married was that i would never have to explain to another person about why sometimes i cry after sex, and how i cant stand the smell of polo cologne. That i would never have to tell someone that i had been raped, and waited to see if they decided it wasn't worth the effort. I'm still not at the point where i can be in a sexual relationship and not have that come up....i don't know if i ever will be. A lot of those feelings are coming back for me....and its hard.

*sigh*

i need my own personal cheerleader